Hard Truths in Parenting

Some nights I go to bed and I feel like the biggest failure as a parent. I fail to be kind, to be patient, to not insist on my own way, to not be irritable or resentful. I fail to bear all things, to believe in the good in all things, to hope and endure all things. Simply put, I fail in loving my children as a parent. Knowing this hurts my soul and breaks my heart in two, and I pray each night for forgiveness from God. Sometimes before my girls go to bed, I even ask them for forgiveness, but sometimes I don't seek their forgiveness in my failures in loving them and the pain feels even more heart wrenching. I know that I am not alone in my feelings of being a failure to one's own child. I say this not in accusation of other parents but rather in knowing that this is a collective struggle that parents from the beginning of time have endured in raising children. What gives me hope in facing this feeling of perpetual failure is that I seek God for answers and strength to die to self  daily and to build the relationships that he wants me to have with my children as their mother, not the one that I want to have with them. Giving in to the realization that my relationship with my girls is not perfect as well as allowing myself to be more reliant on God's grace rather than my own personal abilities gives me the strength and peace of mind to allow myself to be forgiven and to humbly move forward in this calling of being a mother.
       In recent months I have had a particularly hard time with my nine year old daughter. She is beginning to exert her need to be independent as well as to display what I have deemed a truly terrible bad attitude toward just about every last thing she is asked to do. In her mind, her life is the "worst" of all of her friends. No one else in her class has to ride in a booster seat, no one else has to brush their teeth or take medicine that is such an "icky" flavor. No one else has to put their clothes in the hamper or flush the toilette. I certainly am the worst mother out there for making her do any of these afore mentioned things. She has also become quite the expert at everything expressing her opinion on all subjects with great authority. Yes, this is all normal, I realize that. In my teaching career, teaching 9 year olds was my least favorite age of kids to teach for this very reason. And now I am living with one and I feel at times I may not survive until the next stage which parents with older children have shared only gets more intense! It makes me not only feel like a failure to not be able to tolerate this stage but also very sad that my little girl is now more unhappy than not when life used to be a bowl full of cherries in her world.

        So I look for the moments when she is happy and I try and focus on those things that make her smile. I look at the person she is becoming and marvel at the wonderful and intelligent child  that she is. I soak up her sweet smile and never tire of looking at her beautiful long eyelashes and her twinkling soulful brown eyes. I give thanks for her compassionate heart to save even an unnoticed snail from an untimely demise. I rejoice that she has so many friends that she cares deeply about and I cherish the times when she takes my hand, and whispers, "Mommy, I love you!" On the days that our moments together seem more like failures than not, I am reminded by God of all of these blessings that also make up our relationship and I give thanks for the gift of being her mother and another day to begin again.

The Need for Compassion

My recent trip to Italy was a blessing for many reasons. Aside from being amidst some of the most amazing architecture, art, food and culture in the world, I also had the opportunity to reflect and contemplate my place and purpose here in the world. One of the things that struck me the most on my travels was multiple encounters with the Italian beggar.  Most of these beggars stand outside of churches quietly asking the passerby for alms. Many are lame or deformed as was one woman who had no nose and another who had a very severe facial birthmark and yet another who had no use of her legs and scooted around on a makeshift dolly. None were obtrusive, just simply asking for compassion from those passing by. Most people including Howie and me  often simply walked past them into the grandeur of the churches we were seeking to visit. Occasionally someone would stop and place a coin in the plastic cup held by the appreciative hand there to receive it. On some occasions, I too placed a coin in these cups. The lady who had no nose inspired great compassion in me, not because of her deformity, but simply because I felt she saw herself as undesirable. I wanted to give her that coin so that I could look at her in the eyes to let her know that I did see her and that she was beautiful as God's own child. Another person of whom I wanted to eagerly give a coin and to look into her eyes with love was an older woman standing outside of a church who looked to me like the Tomie DePaola character Strega Nona. I wondered about her, where her family was, why she needed to beg for alms.

        Since returning from Italy, I have continued to think about the Italian beggars and why they made such an impression on me. Just as important I have thought about why it is that the beggars I encounter here in the United States have become almost invisible to me. When I lived in Austin, Texas, I use to have great compassion for those who were on the streets. I would give a dollar or two to anyone whom I encountered on the side of the road. I bought the Austin Advocate newspaper from those who sold it at the stoplights. I hurt for those who were less fortunate than me and I wanted so badly to help in any way that I could. I was told that I shouldn't help by giving money to those beggars, that they only spend it on alcohol or drugs. I didn't want to believe, but soon I stopped giving, and turned my head upon passing by those who held signs. Why did I lose my ability to have compassion for these people? After returning to Knoxville, the amount of homeless people that I encountered decreased significantly. It has only been in recent years that I have had the opportunity to witness actual street homelessness in downtown Knoxville as it has been revitalized and I have the desire to frequent it more often. I have also had the opportunity to encounter homelessness within my own church walls with opportunities to serve homeless families through Family Promise. With each opportunity to be in the presence of those in need, I feel the walls I had built up crumble a little more as well as a renewed feeling of compassion and desire to help.
         This week at the start of Holy Week, my thoughts on compassion have turned not only to those who are homeless but also towards those whom I encounter every day; my family, my friends, my coworkers, they lady at the local store. How is it that I show compassion to everyone that I encounter? In my thoughts I could not help but think of the sixth station of the cross when Veronica steps out of the crowd and with compassion in her heart wipes the face of Christ with her veil. What a simple act, but what an amazing act of love and courage! In my everyday encounters with each person I meet, I want to step beyond the border of the crowd and reach out in love and courage to offer a simple act of real compassion when and every time it is needed. The risk is to take on the pain of another, but what I have found is that my heart grows bigger with love and I truly feel alive with God's Spirit. Simply put, we are all in need of compassion. May we all have the courage to act in compassion for another as well as receive it's gift when we need it.
Matthew 25: 37-40
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Be Still and Know . . .

This time, this season of Lent is difficult, not because we make it that way through the act of giving up something, but because if truly done with great intention, it allows time for real death. I am of course not referring to physical death, but rather death to self as we relinquish control, quiet the ego, calm the fears and trust in God. Simply put, doing all of those things with intention is hard, very hard! So why? Why do we intentionally take time to allow ourselves to die to self. Wouldn't it just be easier to practice living a good life?  We know that it is not good works and a good life alone that lead us into an authentic relationship with God. It is, however, those things coupled with the space in which we have let go of our own desire to be in control and the time that we  allow ourselves to fall in which we find ourselves being carried upward by God's amazing grace. And the kicker as well as the blessing is that we have to do this over and over and over again not only during the season of Lent but for always. Fortunately for us humans we do not all collectively receive a certificate after the season of Lent that says, "Excellence in Trusting God" that we place in a frame and hang on the wall and then move forward to the next big accomplishable task in life. If that were that case, none of us would truly have an authentic relationship with God. And on top of that, we would miss out on the greatest blessings God has in store for us as we continue dying to self. In the process of this lifelong, cyclical journey, we die a little more to self each time and we are resurrected into our new life through God's unending grace and mercy. As we intentionally look heavenward instead of inward we receive an authentic resurrected life in Christ which is the true gift and intention of time periods such as Lent.

In my recent travels through Italy, I was blessed to enter countless numbers of beautiful churches in the cities of Rome, Florence and Venice. Each church held it's own unique style and beauty in showcasing the glory of God through exquisite architecture, masterpiece sculptures and amazing paintings and mosaics. As I journeyed through these churches I was joined by other pilgrims who also were there to admire the hands that allowed God's glory to be shown through their own gifts and talents. In my visits to these amazing places of worship, I found myself longing for God, wanting him to come down from the tiled or frescoed ceilings and give me an audience with him all by myself. My "self" got in the way, however, and I was left feeling alone, saddened that I had not had a God moment within these magnificent structures erected to his glory.
     One day in Florence after climbing the Duomo and having a wonderful lunch, Howie stopped for a moment to check the map and locate our destination. As I glanced around the street, I saw a sign indicating a church monastery right in front of me. The gates to the church court yard appeared open so I decided to venture in. I opened the heavy door and was awestruck at what I found. The church was silent except for the song of a cricket somewhere in the corner. I sat down in a pew and took in my surroundings. From a clear story window streamed three beams of light which cascaded down to illuminate a single altar bearing a monstrance holding the bread of life. Time slowed as I took in God's glory here in this place and heard him whisper, "Be still and know that I am God."    In the stillness of this sanctuary, I experienced God's presence. He had been with me all along, but the unrest of my mind and inability to move my "self" out of the way, hindered me from being able to hear his voice. The loud silence of this church shook me out of my own preoccupations in order that I may receive the true gift of being filled with God's presence.
      What I find in times such as my visit to the unknown Florence church as well as in my attempts to be intentional about dying to "self" is that it is always in the being still and just simply knowing that I truly encounter God. In seeking God's face, we must realize that he is first within us all along. We must let go of and die to our need to control when and where we find God and just be still and know. As simple as that task may seem, it proves to be one of the most difficult things that we humans are asked by God to do. "Be still and know that I am God." As we enter into Holy Week may we all find within ourselves the grace to allow God's presence to be revealed in the stillness of our souls and may we also experience the gift of resurrection along with Christ on Easter Day

Letting Go and Letting God

We have now entered into the season of Lent, a time to reflect, repent, reconcile, and intentionally renew our relationship with God. Although doing these things may and should be done each day of the year, the period of Lent calls special attention to our own sinful nature and our need for forgiveness and reconciliation with our Father. It is also a time of allowing our burdens to be taken so that we may truly allow ourselves to be transformed into the people that God has made us to be.

 As I enter into this season of Lent, my heart is particularly heavy. I have just ended the discernment process to the diaconate and I am left with many questions as to where I feel God has called me. In my committee meetings I have been able to discern that the ministry I feel called to may not be to that of being a deacon in the church. Although this process has left me at times feeling very peaceful, I have also at other times felt unease and anxiety in now not knowing God's plan for my life. One week after ending the formal discernment process I have felt lost, truly lost. Where does this leave me now in my feeling of being called to something more in the way of ministry? What is my role, my ministry, my identity in this time of uncertainty? I feel lost and I long to be found.

 So it is at this point that I enter into Lent, exhausted at my own futile attempts to see just exactly where God is now leading me and knowing in my heart that I am his beloved and that he has me in the palm of his hand.  I fall, hands lifted, heart weary and aching and ask for forgiveness. I exhale slowly all of "self" and give over  my desire to know how things are going to turn out. I collapse at his feet, broken and he scoops me up and covers me with a blanket of grace while he whispers gently, "I love you.  .  . you are just where I want you to be . . . close to me, right by my side." And so the process of transformation in my heart begins as I let go and let God.

Love and Acceptance

In my years of working with children as a teacher as well as through my current role at Ascension in Children’s Ministries, I have been privy to children’s thoughts about God and his kingdom as well as witnessing their own spiritual relationship with God blossom and grow as they have come to know him through not only scripture but also through their interaction with others and the world around them. It is a blessing and privilege to be able to watch a child experience God and to see them know and understand God’s love for them in very real ways. In my teaching of young children, I too have become the student and often find myself leaning new lessons from these young stewards of God’s love.  Recently, I again became a student of God’s love from a young child whom I had only just met.

In early January of this year, our family had the opportunity to help prepare and to serve a meal to the families who were guests at our church as part of the Family Promise program. These families are just like you and me and just want a chance to feel “normal” with regular interactions with others such as a conversation at dinner and play dates for their children with other kids. Family Promise gives these families the opportunity to have as much “normalcy” as possible while they are going through homelessness and the process of finding work and homes again.  For whatever reason, I always feel a bit nervous when I come to serve our Family Promise guests. I am afraid I will not say the right thing or that they will perceive me in the wrong way. Although I knew that my fears would soon disappear after meeting the guests, I still felt a bit nervous as we waited for the families to arrive for dinner.

After serving dinner to our Family Promise guests and finding a place at the table, I looked up and realized that my 8 year old daughter was not sitting with us. Emma-Caroline is a very shy child and it takes her some time to warm up and actually talk with others. In my mind, however, I was mortified that she had chosen not to join the families and volunteers for dinner. I mentioned to the guests that she was shy to which a mother smiled and replied, “We noticed when she came in here earlier.” My fear of offending our Family Promise guests was on hyper alert and I immediately set out to find her. On looking for Emma-Caroline, I discovered she was sitting alone and eating on the stage in the Parish Hall. I immediately asked her why she didn’t want to eat with the families and heard myself saying inside my head, “this is rude behavior!” Before those words actually came out of my mouth, a young boy in third grade joined me. Jared sat down next to Emma-Caroline, asked her name and sincerely said, “It’s OK if you’re shy. I’ll sit here and eat with you if you’d like!” Emma-Caroline smiled and accepted his invitation.  Jared smiled back and replied, “And now you have one more friend, me!” As I stood speechless beside these two children, I felt tears in my eyes as I witnessed this loving exchange between two third grade children. This young boy of nine years old offered to my daughter the gift of acceptance and love.  In one simple gesture, Jared taught both of us what it means to truly love your neighbor.

It would be easy to think that the families and children of Family Promise would be the only ones that are the receivers of God’s love through the hands and feet of the volunteers serving them; however, I have found through my involvement with these families that it is more likely that I am the one receiving the greater gift.  This past opportunity to be with our guests of Family Promise left me humbled and in  in awe of God’s love and the ways in which he teaches us to love through one another. This past January, I received the gift of being witness to Jesus incarnate as a child of nine years, with no home for himself and his family to call their own gave the truest and most valuable gift that anyone will ever receive to my very own daughter, the gift of Jesus’ love.  It is a gift I know she will never forget and a gift and lesson I will always cherish.

This Little Light of Mine!

Lately, I have been pondering the idea that the gifts and talents that God gives to us shine right through from the very moment we are born. The cry of a new born child evokes sweet tears of awe as parents rejoice at the birth of God's perfect gift. Through nurturing, encouragement and love those gifts and talents we receive grow and God's light is allowed to shine with an amazing brilliance. So what happens from the time we are born into this world until we become adults and beyond that can cause those perfect gifts to sometimes get locked up and worse still to sometimes never be allowed to shine? Is it the fact that we are born into an imperfect world striving for perfection that an individual's light can get hidden under a bushel in fear that his or her light might not measure up, might not be important enough, or dare I say perfect enough to shine to the whole world?

 To the parents who have just welcomed a new bundle of joy into the world, the idea of hiding their child's light under a bushel is indeed ludicrous. How could one even begin to imagine stifling the God-given gifts and talents just waiting to emerge from the perfect newborn infant? As that newborn grows from infancy to adulthood, however, he or she begins to learn through experience just what gifts and talents that he or she possesses that are "acceptable" and "worthy" to be expressed in this imperfect world. Through these experiences, a child can either learn how to embrace, enjoy, nurture, and use his gifts and talents for God's light to shine through or he can learn to doubt, to suppress, to hide and sometimes to forget about his gifts in an effort to become the "perfect" in the imperfect.

 The irony behind striving to be perfect in an imperfect world is that perfection will never be achieved. So to that end an individual driven by perfection will always come up short. On the flip side, an individual who allows perfection to hinder his effort to use his gifts and talents also comes up short. What also may seem ironic is this; God bestows upon us, who are the imperfect, the perfect gifts and talents. When we stop being a slave to perfection and put our trust in God, allowing him to work through our gifts and talents, He uses our imperfections to do his work and his perfect light shines through. This is what we were created in his image to do. He gives each of us passion for things in which He our maker is passionate about. Through each of us embracing our gifts and acknowledging them as tools for God's glory we fulfill God's perfect plan for our lives and we receive the gift of pure joy.

So what are your gifts and talents? Have you been afraid to use your passions for certain things because you were afraid they would not be "perfect?" What happened when you did let go and allowed God to work through your imperfections? It's time to let your light shine. Embrace your imperfections, trust in God, and He will work through you to shine his perfect light to the world.

New Life in Christ Jesus

      For some time now, I have been feeling a special nudge from God to come to this blog place  that I call, "To Such as These" in order to write about my experiences with children's ministries not only as a teacher but also from the viewpoint of the child, herself. The good Lord knows that when he asks me to do something, I resist with great excuses that I am not worthy of his calling, that surely someone better could come along and write more profoundly than I can. 

 And surely, that is true. But God continues to gently nudge me trough the encouragement of friends and even strangers whom I only know from their very own writings that I need to use this very space to share my experiences that were given to me by the Father so as to bring others benefit from HIM. I am humbled and shaky at this request from our Father. But yet I am taking that first step of faith to allow God to work through me his servant.

 It was in reading a post by  Sibi, the author of Pearls and Grace, that I felt God's whispers become more of a shout that said, " You are my beloved, I need you!" In Sibi's post from yesterday, she so eloquently writes, "If God has given you a blogging platform of any capacity, then your reach is unlimited in so many ways. With the click of a button, people can feel God reaching for them through the power of His love through the words you type on a single post." As I read Sibi's words tears flowed and I came here at this very moment. Please forgive my scattered thoughts as I nervously type away at the keys to form the words of my sentences.

  It is Good Friday, the day we remember Jesus' passion and death upon the cross. He died for all of us that we may have everlasting life through him. But what does that mean if we don't allow ourselves to be his vessel in order for his perfect love to shine? If I deny his love through my feelings of being unworthy, am I not in fact denying the very gift of the sacrifice of Christ Jesus who died for my sake. Another of my blogging friends, Paige posted today this passage from 2 Corinthians, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5.21 This passage brought me to my knees. Yet another one of my blogging friends, Sheri posted this passage from 2 Corinthians 4:7, "We possess this precious treasure in vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves."  Sheri then eloquently says, "God uses frail people to proclaim the power of His gospel. He could send angels to preach the gospel, but He uses plain, ordinary, everyday people to demonstrate His power.  He fills us with divine gifts, inspired and brought to pass by the Holy Spirit, and distributes them throughout His body of believers.  Let us network with God's people today for the greater good, as we work together to accomplish His purpose." These three ladies, of whom I do not know in person, all  have spoken words that I have heard whispered to me from God, words that I believe as truth, words that I have spoken to others, but I have not myself allowed to be put into action.

          As I reflect on the passion of Christ Jesus and his death on the cross, I am awestruck at his sacrifice for me . . . for me! I am not worthy, but yet he died anyway . . . for me and for all of us. I have known his love for me since I was a child. I was broken, but he scooped me up and whispered to me that he loved me and that I was his. I knew his voice, his nudging's to come to him then. It sustained me through some of the darkest moments of my life. The world around me was unkind, but I knew that he loved me, that I was more than the brokenness that I felt. My early knowledge of God's love for me is what I know instilled the calling God planted in my heart at that time to work with children especially in the area of teaching and helping them to develop their own relationship with him. My passion for teaching children comes directly from his own heart, and I know too that he wants for all of us to know him through the same pure heart as that of a child.

 Through Jesus' resurrection we all have new life in him. How then can we be transformed into the new life that we have been given? We first have to accept that gift ,not just of believing in Jesus as God's Son sacrificed for us to have everlasting life, but that he lives in each one of us TODAY, here and now. His resurrection continues on today because of US LIVING NOW! When we accept that he lives in each one of us, we can accept that he can work in and through us to bring about his kingdom here on earth. This is our calling. This is what God has planned for all of us. When we allow our brokenness to be used to glorify him, we fulfill our purpose here. We become a vessel for his love and grace.

 I humbly accept God's call to me to allow him to use any of the gifts and talents he has given me to shine his light to the world. My imperfections are not mine to hide away, but rather a vessel from which God's perfect light may shine. I am his humble servant for whom he has called to his table. Let his glory be revealed as is his will.